Puzzled

Riddle me this, riddle me that

whose afraid of the big black bat?

I love watching the Batman movies, they are one series I never get tired of. Lately I can totally relate to The Riddler. I am leaving Italy once again to return home, but this time I am leaving with Renata. Mom and Renata have a trip planned for this weekend. I hope they have a lovely time in Forks.

I am not sure if I want to go home or not. I miss home, I love home. I love Italy and do miss this beautiful place everytime I leave. But right now, I really don't know if I should be going home or not. I am starting to lose my entire desire to continue with my art work. As much as I love it, I'm not sure why I am feeling like this, but for some strange reason I am. I was asked if I was leaving my coven and going nomad, why I was asked I have no idea at all. But oh well. I don't know where my place in this world is anymore, I don't know what I should be doing or where I should be doing it. I know they say home is where the heart is. I miss home and my family terribly but I've been such a disappointment in the past too many times. I don't know how many more times I could deal with myself breaking my dear mothers heart. I don't know how many more times I might break her heart. I don't know if I'm even worthy of being part of such a beautiful family. I am not planning on leaving them, I just don't know what I want or need right now. I feel like a soul wandering in the darkness, never finding light. Never knowing if the light will ever shine. Not wanting to turn around and run back incase what was once there is gone. Not wanting to move forward for fear of never seeing the light again. So here I stand, stuck. Not knowing to what do or where to go or if I am even worthy of going. Stuck in rut for eternity. Do I need time? Do I need space? I can not tell you an honest answer to anything at present. Shall I return home and lock myself in my studio, staring at a blank canvas that seems to convey the story of me as it is?

Too many questions, never enough answers. Will I find the answers I am looking for? Maybe, maybe not. But I will stand here in the darkness for now all alone and contemplate what may come.